
<y^ 






CoRii^litN", 



J1^7 



COPY-RIGHT DEPOSIT. 



ONE 



One Book 

Of Rhymes 
One Look 

Betimes 
One Smile 

One Frown 
The While 

One Brown 



Illustrations by 
A. B. CHAPIN 



? Two C«pies Kec3 

DEC 18 1907 

Oopyrlghi tiitry g 

' 'copy ■= 



Copyright 1907 by 
G. E. COI,I,INGWOOD 



Published by 

Train Dispatchers' Bui,i,ktin 

Toledo, Ohio 



Press of 

Barkdui.1, Printing Houss Co. 

Toledo, Ohio 



To the gentle-natured benefactors of the human 
race who, from the stockholder to the pick holder, 
make successful railroading possible, this little 
book is cordially dedicated. 

Grateful acknowledgement is extended to 

The Kansas City Star 

The Kansas City Times 

The Kansas City Journal 

The Church Progress 

The Saint John Globe 

The St. John Star 

The Kansas City, Kansas, Globe 

The Railway Conductor 
for favors bestowed in publishing from time to 
time the matter herein collected. 

One Brown. 



AN APOLOGY 



The perpetrator of this collection of rhymes and 
stories has spent many years of his life in the 
railroad service. He has found an inexpressible 
amount of pleasure and satisfaction in living and 
laboring among railroad men. Many of the things 
which have seemed to him amusing, he has put 
into rhyme or anecdote. 

No literary merit is claimed for the productions. 
The writer, however, feels that most of them will 
appeal especially to railroad men and their families. 

The undersigned claims the acquaintance and 
friendship of many railroad men of high and low 
degree in all parts of this beautiful continent and 
to each of them and to all others he extends his 
kindliest greeting. 

S. H. Brown, 

Kansas City, Kansas. 



INDEX 



POETRY 

PAGE 

Dorothy 11 

A Ivove Ivetter 12 

Hank's Requisition 12 

Politician's Lament 14 

AToast 15 

Time 16 

A Dainty Maiden 17 

The Rite of A. Pinkblood 18 

Bill Gary 20 

Bill Gary's Shoes 22 

Bill Gary 23 

Bill Gary's Speech 27 

N. P. U. U 31 



PROSE 

Wrathful Goodbye 35 

Jud Hart, Station Agent 36 

Told By Railroad Men 38 

Stories of Rail and Wire 41 

W. Gary. Esq. 45 

Stories of Telegraphers 53 

Why It Was Late 57 

Refused To Be Discharged 58 

AHold-UpThat Failed 60 

Miscellaneous 62 




DOROTHY. 



The children were frolicking out in the yard — 

Their romping was pleasant to see — 
Till three-year-old Phyllis was bumped pretty hard 

By falling against the haw tree. 
The poor little treasure gave vent to a scream, 

And cried rather hard for a while, 
But Dorothy, who is a living sunbeam. 

Brought to each little face a ^bright smile. 
She tenderly took the hurt child by the hand 

And led little Phyllis away 
To where she could fill the toy cake-tins with sand 

And make pies of stones, sand and clay. 
Then Dorothy ran to the house for a rag. 

And, soaking it wet as could be, 
She gravely returned, as the children played tag, 

And poulticed the bruise — on the tree. 

11 



(An episode in the life of a conductor whose "chain 
gang" run leads him away from home for a week or two at a 
time.) 

A charming little letter from a maiden sweet and fair 

Arrived today, my journeyings to bless. 
I read it o'er and o'er again, while lolling in my chair, 

For it is full of love and tenderness. 

Indeed, it is a paradox ; for being very brief. 

It yet contains more entertaining news 
Than all the daily papers which portray life's joy and grief 

And all the magazines ! Doubt, if you choose. 

My fancy sees such cheering words of sweet encouragement, 
To lead me on in paths of peace and right. 

O, such an all-absorbing love within my heart is pent; 
For she is all my own, my life, my light. 

She writes of all her hopes and joy in such a simple way, 

I cast'my heart and fortune at her feet, 
O what a pleasure 'tis to know that soon again the day 

Will come when I my treasured one shall greet. 

Thouglh separated now from this, the girl whom I hold dear, 

I stray but for a time without the fold. 
My wife sends frequent messages of truthfulness, and cheer. 

But this is from my daughter — six years old. 

The letter : , ; 1 

Pap A: Love to paPA * 

ABcdEFgHiJkLM 

ZvXWVuTsrQpoN 

FlorENcE. 



Hank Hogan was once station agent 

On the old Worn and Wobbly line. 
(And that's a position where talent 

Has never, indeed, ceased to shine.) 
A chap to make good as an agent. 

In a village like Oskamaclouth, 
Must have a head loaded with knowledge ; 

And be, too, a right sprigghtly youth. 
For his duty as mere station agent 

Is only a drop in the jug. 
He must wear a blue suit witlh brass buttons 

And a cap — o'er a glad, smiling mug — 

12 



With a gilded badge over the visor 

Engraved with his title and road 
So that any one harboring a grievance 

Will know at once where to "unload." 
HisTnanners must simply be perfect; 

His office be tidy and neat; 
His records be kept with precision; 

Remittances prompt and complete. 
The town's telegraphing is handled 

By him. He is messenger too; 
Express agent, (Postmaster sometimes), 

Police judge and mayor and a few 
Other things that are quite as important. 

He personifies 'hustle and stir; 
And for these multitudinous duties 

His pay is about "forty per." 
Hank Hogan, one sad luckless day 
From duty's narrow path did stray 
For he so far forget himself 
To yearn to see upon the shelf 
One dozen black lead pencils so 
That he could make some sort of show 
Of the importance of his job 
Which often caused his heart to tihrob. 

Said he: "I'll order them, by George! 
To see this old trunk line disgorge." 

A requisition blank he got 

And straightway on its page did jot 

A list of blanks required for 

The following three months or more. 

He ordered ink and pens — a few — 

Pencils, one dozen No. 2. 

A week thereafter came a box 

From where the railroad kept its stocks 

Of stationery and supplies. 

Hank thought he now would realize 

His hope to have a dozen leads. 

Alas ! hopes hang by slender threads. 

Instead of twelve there was but one 

And it the cheapest under the sun. 

Hank gravely took his jack-knife out 
And opened it, then turned about 
And grasping the pencil, sadly said : 
Such liberality has sihed 
So much of joy into my life 
That I'll divide it, with my knife, 

13 



And send half of this pencil back 
To General Superintendent Black. 

L'Envoi. 
When Mr. Black received the note 
That Hogan in his anger wrote; 
He said : "That certainly is rank 
And I, forwith. shall fire Hank!" 



THE POLITICIAN'S LAMENT. 



On this crisp December morning, 

As I scan the clouds on high, 
I behold the somber warning 

Of the snow that soon will fly; 
As I think of all the deary, 

Doleful days to come and go; 
Days to make the heart grow weary; 

Weary of the frost and snow. 
I would fain cry out in passion, 

And with voice uplifted say: 
"Let December be the fashion. 

Let her linger here for aye!" 
Spring, ah, yes, I well remember 

Spring, with all its flowers and grass. 
Spring is pleasant, but December 

Is the limit on my pass! 



A youth left Massachusetts for the West 

And sought the town he thought would be the best 

In which to woo Dame Fortune with success 

And bask beneath her beaming loveliness. 

He stopped in Kansas City and he said, 

"Here's where I'll camp to win my daily bread 1" 

He showed a marked degree of wisdom, for 

This happened twenty years ago or more. 

That's not so long ago, but, even then, 

The Union Depot was an ancient den. 

14 



The youth was thrifty, bright and full of vim 

And Fortune cast her welcome smile toward him. 

He thought of little else than real estate 

And from a modest start grew passing great. 

One day an envoy of the depot clan 

Besought a'interview with this good man — 

Who now owns land in ev'ry part of town 

And is a knocker of no small renown — 

They talked of values and of depot sites 

Of South side lots and of the people's rights. 

The owner showed a multitude of plats 

And slyly chucked the envoy in the slats. 

"This ground," said he, "is worth" — (He set a price). 

His caller promptly fainted. After ice 

Had been applied and consciousness restored, 

The envoy said he very much deplored 

That only thirty millions would be raised 

To build the plant. Said he, "I am amazed 

At the prevailing prices of the land 

Which we desire. Boston lots command 

No higher figures than these lots you own 

And I may further add 'I must be shown.' " 

"I'll grant," said Mr. Owner, "that is straight, 
But think what it will cost to pay the freight." 



Here's to the women we ever hold dear 

Our wives and our sweethearts so true. 
Here's to the comforting words full of cheer 
They whisper when sorrow and trials appear 
Here's to their gentleness too! 

Here's to the mothers so tender and kind 

Who make the home cheerful and bright. 
Here's to the love in their great hearts enshrined, 
Here's to their virtues, their sweetness of mind, 
Here's that their heartaches take flight! 

Here's to the children, the hope of the race! 

May courage and wisdom be theirs. 
Here's to their struggles for wealth and for place, 
Here's that fair dealing their efforts may grace, 

In all of their worldly affairs. 

Here's to our friends! May the years as they fly- 
Bring peace and contentment and cheer. 
Here's to the hopes that within our hearts lie. 
Here's that love's fountain may never run dry. 
Here's to a fruitful career! 

15 





3L0&WR 




TIME 

As Indicated by the Clocks in the Union Depot 
at Kansas City. 



Old Father Time, with courtly grace, 
Looked down upon the ceaseless race 
Of throngs who carry varied loot 
As after railway trains they scoot. 



He saw an Oskanoxie man 
Pull out his watch and, as he ran, 
Consult the chute clock; slack his gait; 
And set his ticker back to eight. 

TU'^ man passed on downstairs, and saw 
A string of "Timers." Filled with awe 
He said : "It must 'uv took some rocks 
To fit this institute with clocks." 

And as he wandered 'round the place 
A frown o'erspread his rugged face. 
Compared with every clock he passed 
His watch was either slow or fast. 

At last he sought the train shed where 
His fevered brow would feel the air. 
His train was due to leave at nine ; 
But on his way he saw this sign: 

This was a dummy clock which showed 
The leaving time on a certain road. 
"My watch" — said he as he looked again — 
"Is slow, by gum ! I've missed my train 1" 



There's a dainty little maiden; 

With eyes of deepest blue, 
Her Hps are nectar laden, 

She has merry dimples, too. 

I tell her oft I love her. 

She smiles, but answers naught, 
Looks toward the heavens above her; 

Gently turns away. I'm fraught 

With the painful fear she trifles. 
Yet that surely cannot be. 

Such a thought my passion stifles; 
And I ne'er wish to be free. 

I'll continue my devotion. 
At her shrine I'll worship still. 

I possess a curious notion, 
That I'll win her love — I will 

If solicitude, attentions. 

Are of any earthly use. 
I may make such bold pretensions, 

Else my baby girl, turn loose. 

17 




THE RISE OF A. PINKBLOOD. 



Augustus Pinkblood had a germ. 

He thought it would be "cute" 
To 'be a freight conductor for a Sipell, 

And so he started "braking" on the Indian Arrow Route 
When business boomed and things were goin' to — Oshkosh. 

18 



He had some rich relations and they used the old-time bluff 
That Gus was going to carve his own career. 

His father was the chairman of the board and had the "stuff." 
Augustus was "the works," you needn't fear. 

Augustus thought that he was nice, too nice to twist the 
brakes. 

And when his fellow brakeman called him Gus 
It sent him in a passion that was like a man with "snakes," 

And lining up the switches made him "cuss." 

He made so poor a brakeman that the freight conductors said 

It wasn't in his hide to "run" a train. 
But Daddy Pinkblood gave it out that Gus must get ahead 

And so the superintendent's course was plain. 

Gus was a sort of plunger, for he always tried to bet 
That something would go wrong or else go right. 

The other members of the crew steered clear of Gus's net; 
They said, "Gus Pink-a-doodle is a fright!" 

One day Gus said to Simpkins, who had charge of the caboose: 

"I'll bet four dollars we'll be late today !" 
"I never bet," said Simpkins, "so it isn't any use 

To waste your time on me in such a way." 

'I'll bet you five round dollars, then," said Gus, 'we'll be on 
time." 

"I hope we will," was Simpkins's reply. 
"I'll bet two bucks against a bean you couldn't bet a dime." 

"Perhaps you're right!" Sim answered with a sigh. 

"I'll bet four plunks or anything we'll get in safe and sound.* 

"My baby always prays I will," said Sim. 
"I'll wager, then, there'll be a wreck to put us on the ground," 

And as he spoke a great shock "doused his glim." 

They struck a low joint in the track, which shattered the 
Caboose. 

And through the air shot Simpkins and his crew. 
Gus, turning somersaults, yet found a betting man's excuse : 

"I'll hazard ten that I'll go higher'n you !" 



19 



•'Of course," spake Colonel Julep, "it is very nice to be 

A postman or policeman and ride the street cars free; 

'Tis not so bad to be employed in a department store, 

And buy things at the wholesale rate, or just a trifle more; 

It's fine to be a member of the politician class 

And be on terms of friendship with the blithesome railway 

pass ; 
And think what it must mean to be a car dis-trib-u-tor ; 
The coal stock that is mailed to him, he knows not what it's 

for— 
But with fine nonchalance he stuffs it safely in his jeans, 
And does not seem to worry greatly as to what it means; 
And all the pious consignees who get a lot of freight 
And stacks of "Eagles" laid upon their desks! Is it not great? 
And railway officers whose wealth and pleasure are at par 
Although the railway stock is not. A palace private car 
Is just the thing to travel in to drive dull care away 
And keep from rubbing shoulders with the common folks 

who pay. 
And cogitate a spell upon the pleasures it must bring 
To exercise the muscles clipping coupons as you sing 
Of "good old days of long ago" when you were poor. You 

yearn 
That all the good old days may never, never more return; 
Just think of all the fame and all the glitter and the gold 
Which falls to Mr. Muckrake for the stories he has told; 
And of the stately hauteur of the Magazine Editor 
Whose neatly worded rejection means: Skidoo man, you are 

a bore! 
And he of the famous hero fund, "The Laird of Skibo-oo, 
He giveth expensive libraries for the uplift of me and you. 
All these," spake Colonel Julep, "think their goods and deeds 

suffice. 
But foi avarice, opulence, lust of gold I commend the dealer 
in Ice." 



Bill Gary was conductor of the Moonlight Local Freight, 
Which used to make nocturnal trips half way across the state. 
The pious folks along the line oft marveled at the plight 
Of Gary and his jolly crew, who scattered freight by night. 
Of course the fact that they ran through a prohibition state 
Had naught to do with surreptitious plans for shipping 

"freight ;" 
'Twas, nevertheless, well known that on the Indian Arrow 

Route 
The locals used to run at night (and half the day, to boot). 

20 



The time card showed ten hours from start to end of run. 
But trips were seldom finished ere the zenith of the sun ; 
The overtime was awful, but no scheme could be devised 
To make it show a decrease. Therefore, as may be sur- 
mised, 
Bill Gary's wealth grew rapidly. 'Twas said he hadn't spent 
The dollar that he first had earned. Bill was a thrifty gent. 
***** 

Dick Dennis, train dispatcher, worked from midnight until 

eight. 
And frequently gave orders to the Moonlight Local Freight. 
A nobby chap was Dennis ; he was something of a beau — 
A dresser, politician, all 'round squanderer of "dough." 
He yearned for social honors, altihough nearly always broke; 
His loose financial methods brought forth many a merry joke. 
One night he got a letter in regard to overtime 
The local crew was earning. Said he, "I'll make 'em climb ; 
Tonight I have a reason, sufficient unto me. 
To get them in right early. Bill Gary I must see!" 
He straightway wrote this message : "To Gary and Engineer : 
Cut out your wor kand hustle. I wish to see you here 
By six o'clock or sooner." You ought to have seen them run! 
They didn't do a lick o' work — it never will be done. 
Because the work fell so behind they never could catch up. 
Bill Gary said, "I haven't loafed like this since Heck was a 

pup." 

***** 

They landed in Kansas City at exa'Ctly six o'clock; 

The superintendent fainted ; it gave the chief a slhock. 

Bill Gary sought the office as soon as he got in, 

To call on Big Dick Dennis, who met him with a grin. 

Said Gary : "That there message says you want to see me 

here; 
Wall ! here I be, my bully boy ; speak up now, strong and 

clear, 
Because we ran so fast tonight — you bet we traveled some — 
My head's a-swimmin' yet, and I am deaf and nearly dumb." 
"Well, Bill !" said Dennis, "it's two weeks till pay-day comes 

you see ; 
There's a circus comin' to town today. Can I make a touch 

for three?" 



21 



The Indian Arrow Route was ballasted with shattered rock. 
Which tramps and trainmen mentioned with disdain ; 

Tramps found that it was hard upon the soles of those who 
walk, 
While trainmen said it gave their feet a pain. 

The "Prdhibition Limited" which used to cross the state 
In the good old days of long, long, long ago, 

Was seldom "on the advertised," but nearly always late; 
And that, perchance, is why it stood no show. 

The train dispatchers used to jab the "Prohibition train," 
And head it in for all the high-ball freights ; 

And all the varnished cars it met were told to hold th« 
"main" — 
The "Prohib" thus got tangled on its dates. 

The only day it ever struck the time that it was due 

Was once 'way back, I think, in '88. 
The station agent swooned as he exclaimed, "Can this be 
true!" 
The engineer replied, "We're three days late !" 

Bill Gary of the "Local" had a uniform, and he 

Was used in "plush run" service as a "sub." 
Bill was a handy fellow ; he could plug a flue, you see, 

Or put the fixin's on a red-hot "hub." 

When on ihis Moonlight Local run Bill Garry used to wear 
A pair of boots with soles two inches thick. 

He said that on the local freight they stood the wear and 
tear. 
And for rock ballast they were just the trick. 

Dick Dennis, train dispatcher, used to guy Bill's heavy boots. 

And kept it up whenever he was 'round. 
Bill smiled and said, "My cobbler and myself are in ca- 
hoots 
To keep the ole man's feet plumb off the ground." 

One day our Bill was called upon to take the "Pro'hib" out, 
And he was light of heart and bright and gay. 

He thought how nice 'twould be to ride on plush and loll 
about — • 
The time card showed no stops along the way. 

22 



Alas ! How oft and easily are human hopes despoiled. 

Bill's orders read to meet trains by the score. 
His brakeman made quick trips to "flag," while Gary raced 
and toiled 

To open switches. What a grevious chore! 

Bill reached the station first removed from where the "Prohib" 
stops ; 

His orders read to meet two stock trains there. 
The trip had been a hard one. He was wobbly on his props, 

And Bill began to fret and fume and — swear. 

He didn't take the siding but remained back of the switch. 

The freight men said, "We for the ma.in or bust!" 
Bill said they'd clear the main or wait — he didn't care much 
which. 

For he'd stay out till rails had turned to rust. 

At last Dispatcher Dennis sent a message asking why 

And what the controversy was about, 
Bill answered, "I have decorated side-tracks (that's no lie) 

Until my boots and switch key are worn out." 



"O.s.,* O.S.," said Jerry Lamb, night owl at Buttercup; 
"O.S., train four departed — " "Ham!" Dick Dennis said, 

"wake up !" 
Dispatcher Dennis sighed and said : "That night man is a 

fright ; 
He'll gad about all day, then try to mix me up at night. 
Train four is due at Buttercup at three o'clock a. m., 
And now that plug has just woke up at two to o.s. them." 

As Dennis spoke BanoflF began to jiggle on the key; 

"O.s., o.s., train four — " "Hey, man !" said Dick, "you're 
nutty! see? 

Train number four will not arrive at Banoff for an hour." 

The night man answered: "Bet you five you're full of half- 
baked flour." 

"Why. boy!" said Dick, "it's now two-eight — Your clock's an 
hour fast." 



•O.8.: a signal used by operators in reporting to dispatchers the arrival and 
departure of trains. 

23 



"Two-eight it is; again I state, train number four has passed. 
The helper and myself were out and got a great big truck 
Plumb full of baggage. That's about our usual run of luck." 
"Who's the conductor?" Dick enquired to further test Banoff 
"Bill Gary handsomely attired." Said Dick, "The stuff's all 
off !" 

Between Banoff and Onacurve they met a train of wheat. 
Said Bill : "You guys have got your nerve to try a main line 

meet." 
They didn't hit, but when they stopped the pilots hugged tip 

tight. 
Bill stood amazed, his brow he mopped and asked, "Are your 

clocks rig'ht?" 
Before the squabble ended and the freight backed into town. 
Bill said : "My friends. I take the stand your watches have 

run down." 
And every man aboard the freight took out his watch and 

chain 
And set it up an hour straight. Then Bill went on again. 

The operators half the night, broke in to say "o.s. ;" 
Dick's laneuagRe wouldn't do to write. "They're full," 

said he, "I guess." 
At first he thought it was a joke the boys were trying to play, 
And so at each he took a poke in his good-natured way. 
But finally he realized that things were out of whack 
And number four might be capsized unless flie cleared the track. 
He called each station in its turn. His labor was in vaiiL 
He raised each office but to learn that each had cleared th« 

train. 

And in its most erratic flight across the Sunflower state. 
Train four met other trains that night, both passenger and 

freight. 
The Indian Arrow Route, you know, is thoroughly equipped 
With automatic blocks, and so its trains are seldom tripped. 

Thus sped the train along the line for ninety miles or more. 
At last Dick raised West Pumpkinvine and said : "Hold 

number four." 
And when the operator called and said : "Train four is here," 
Dick said : "Tell Bill that he has balled up things. Get in 

to clear." 
Just then the chap at Buttercup broke in— 4he's quite a clown — 
And said : "Tell Gary he's called up that he may be called 

down!" 

24 




"Dick saw with an awakening thrill — " 

West Pumpkinvine and Dennis tried the case by wire at once; 
They found Bill guilty and applied to him the title "Dunce* 
Bill sat and smoked and waited, while they argued pro aad 

con; 
At last he said, "This work is vile ! Tell Dennis I am gone." 
And then h egave the engineer a signal; 'way they flevr 
Before the night man got Dick's ear to ask him what to do. 

At Cedar Creek there was a spill. Train four fell in tkc 

stream. 
Dick saw, with an awak'ning thrill, an awful wreck. A 

dream ! 

25 




— o+^A'P/M • 



'Tis the Meat Thrains ye ough to 
see r-run!" 



Pat McAdoo was the boss of the gang 

That worked on the section at Bates. 
The work on the track caused him many a pang, 

For he dreaded the speed of the freights. 
The rules of the hne were exceedingly plain, 

Providing safe limits of speed. 
But the rules were ignored again and again 

Which made Patsy's heart fairly bleed. 

26 



The section of road under McAdoo's care 

Was called by the trainmen, "fast track" — 
Which signifies safety for trains to get there — 

So the^ freight trains each gave it a whack. 
Poor Pat and his men were as busy as bees 

Repairing and raising low joints 
In summer's warm weather and midwinter's freeze 

They looked for and fixed the weak points. 

The roadmaster once was inspecting Pat's track 

When the Pink Palace Flyer flew by. 
Its speed caused astonishment: Turning to Mac, 

He asked: "Does that beat the Shoo Fly?" 
(The pet of the line was the Shoo Fly Express, 

The finest train under the sun). 
"The Shoo Fly? The Divil!" Pat answered with stress, 

" 'Tis the meat thrains you ought to see r-run!" 



Bill Gary, freight conductor, took a lay-off so's to vote. 

His observations may not be of any special note. 

For days before election Gary passed the time away 

By listening to what the politicians had to say 

Aljout the liquor question, which is causing so much prate 

In all the towns and cities of the great Sunflower state. 

Bill heard the subject argued, discussed and "cussed" for 

fair. 
While all the filching methods of the grafters were laid 

bar. 
Some claimed that prohibition is a foolish farce and fake. 
While others said it scatters boundless blessings in itg 

wake. 
And thus ad infinitum was the question rent again; 
And settled? Nay! Opinions are as numerous as men. 

The week before election there were "rallies" every nig'ht. 
To one of which Bill went in search of knowledge and cf 

light. 
He heard some splendid speeches, some sophistry as well; 
Spellbinders would bamboozle the voters for a spell. 
He gave his close attention to the speakers to the last. 
And then he took the rostrum while the chairman stood 

aghast. 

"My friends and feller citizens." Bill bowed as he began 
To talk in simple sentences about the Kansas plan 
Of propagating criminals. He spoke an hour or more, 
And there was rapt attention while Bill Gary had the floor. 

27 



rw^lF jti^ (l 




* *By listening to what the politicians 
had to say." 



"My friends and feller citizens, I ain't much on the talk. 
But I'm agin this scheme o' puttin' decency in "hock." 
What's needed here in Kansas is officials that'll stand 
As solid as a concrete pier and drive the graftin' band 
Outside the limits of the state. O, Lord! what chance 

there be 
For some big-minded fellers to step in and set us free. 
*Tain't prohibition, people, that's a-harmin' this old state; 
We need emancipation from the filchers, small and great 
Enforce the prohibition law with vigor, and I guess 
We'll lose some population that'll make some grafters less. 
This thirst law ain't accordin' to my private point o' 

view 
But it's the law, and, bein' sich, I'll tell you what let's do; 

28 



Let's make 'er stick, and meantime put our 'shoulders to 

the wheel' 
And try in 'every honest way to bring about repeal! 
Excuse me fer this chestnut which I'm now a-goin' to 

spring; 
Prohibition don't prohibit drinkin' beer and whisky slinj; 
It aims to put a stop to sellin' liquor, beer and ale; 
Instead o' doin' that, it only fills the county jail 
With burglars, thugs and rowdies, white and black. Who 

pays the freight 
Fer these big doin's, fellers? Let us get this thing fixed 

straight! 
There's fellers that attends to many doubtful schemes 

that's hatched 
Fer gettin' hold o' places where the pay that is attached 

Wouldn't bring back half the money that the office-seeker 

spends 
In tryin' to get elected. Is such fellers patriots, friends? 
Let us see how Mr. Grocer runs his corner grocery, 
Let us look in on the merchant or the plumber. O, yes, he 
Is a sort o' bumpin' post fer all the jokers that is loose. 
But the lesson these men give us can be put to bully use. 
Let us run affairs of government like these here chaps do 

biz, 
And when you spot a boodler, make it sure that he 'gets 

his.' 
Pay all your public servants at least what they could earji 
By hustlin' fer themselves, and then temptation they might 

spurn. 
Pay legislative officers sufficient to attract 
Strong men to stand for honesty and righteousness, in 

fact. 
Them fellers they call pessimists (I think that thar's the 

name) 
Insist the law can't be enforced. The'r argyment is lame; 
I say the law can ibe enforced, as all laws ought to be, 
Fer if they're disregarded, harm will come to you an' me. * 

Bill's appeal was full of feeling, and was gretted with 

applause 
As he pointed out the evils and assigned to each a cause. 
After he had held attention for an hour, more or less, 
He turned loose this peroration, which is worth the while, 

I guess 



29 




~ (rpAT'M » 



W^^y' 



"Then brace up!" he roared. 



"Listen, men!" Bill's voice grew tender, "have you moth- 
er, sweetheart, wife? 

Or perhaps a little family God has sent to bless yer life, 

Think fer jest a minit' what this lawlessness is leadin' to; 

Broken homes, unhappy children^ wives and mothers. 
Ain't it true? 

Then brace up!" he roared, "and quit yer vacillatin' right 
now, men; 

Scorn ofificials that deceive you — reprobates send to the 
pen; 

30 



Let us stand fer decent livin', let no man our fair natne 

soil; 
Let us lance the sores that fester like a pestilential boil 
On the face of civic morals! May God grant us swift 

release 
From the weaklings; from the grafters; from the thieves. 

Let there be peace!" 



The Call: 

The N. P. U. U. lodge will meet at 8 o'clock tonight 
To take a stand upon the side of Justice and the right. 
All members are requested to be present, for, alas, 
An organized attack is being made upon the Pass. 
The object of the meeting is to holler long and loud; 
And throw a bomb of rhetoric right at the Congress crowd. 
Approved this date . By Paul I. Tishun, Master of the 

Work. 
Signed and Attested safe and sound. By A. Carr Ryder, 

Clerk. 
8 p. m. — Master of the Work in the Chair: 
"My brothers, you have read the call 

Which brings us here tonight. 
What is your pleasure? Let this hall 
Resound with protest! One and all 
Join in the noble fight. 
Train O. Carrs, Pass Master: 

Gentlemen and others, let me say 
That I still hope to see the day 
When Congressmen will have to pay 

To ride upon the trains. 
Then when the lobsters homeward stray 
The price may make 'em keep away 
From Washington where 'tis au fait 
To exercise their brains. 



All: 



"Hurrah for Carrs!" the assembled throng 

Broke forth in unrestrained song 

Their wild refrain, "It's wrong, it's wrong! 

To pick on favored classes." 
"We'll bump those fellows hard and strong 
Who undertake to play ping-pong 
With priv'leges we've had so long. 

Don't tamper with our passes!" 

31 




"It seems to me," 

Said Rydon Fraight, 
"They make this plea 

To abrogate 
The pass list which 

Has lived so long 
So they can ditch 

Their foes It's wrong! 



Said Mr. Smart, 

They ought to start 

A correspondence college 
To teach all men 

How. where and when 

To gather needful knowledge, 

32 



So they could spell — 
Pronounce as well — 

The names of Pullman coaches! 
Some one must get 
A pass, you bet, 

To smother men's reproaches!" 

Speaker unknown: 

A stranger gained the floor a spell 
And said, "I'm pained, my friends, to tell 
How far has gone this senseless plan 
To put us on the caravan. 

"We, gentlemen, must firmly stand 
For passes when we tour this land 
Of street car straps and joyous peace. 
And schemes and scraps and elbow grease! 

"The land where lust of gold is rife! 
'Money or bust.' the goal of life. 
The pass must stay, we each shall pledge 
Our strength today; we must not hedge!" 

Resolutions:: 

Whereas, 

The Congress has made bold 

To have the Hepburn rate bill hold 

An anti-pass plank as of old. 

The Congressmen should all be told 

That if they'd have their names enrolled 

Upon the list of Ex's, 

To go ahead and pass the bill 

Which says no passes ere shall thrill 

The hearts of Tom and Dick and Will. 

Their attitude perplexes. 

Resolved, 

That we, the P. U. U., 

In special session, truly view 

With grave alarm what they may do! 

We trust our sturdy pickets 

Who occupy the lobby there 

In Washington will have a care 

And see that Congress does not dare 

To wipe out passes. How unfair 

'Twould be to make us dig for fare! 

If they a service would prepare 

For everybody everywhere; 

Why — just abolish tickets. 

33 



HIS WRATHFUL GOOD-BY. 



The Train Dispatcher Was Irritated at the Opera- 
tor. 

When the weather is foggy and damp telegraph 
wires work badly, due to what is known as "es- 
cape" — that is, loss of current due imperfect insu- 
lation, moisture being a conductor. On such occa- 
sions it is difficult for operators to keep their 
instruments properly adjusted. It frequently hap- 
pens therefore that an operator will begin to use 
the wire while it is already in use. This is termed 
"breaking in" and is at times a source of great 
annoyance, especially to a train dispatcher. 

Recently C. M. Pierce, Missouri Pacific dis- 
patcher at Osawatomie, Kas., was up against such 
a proposition. It was quitting time for the day 
men along the line and one chap out in the western 
part of the state broke in to say "G. N.," which is 
the telegrapher's manner of saying good night. A 
similar response from the dispatcher is authority to 
close up. 

This man was not adjusted and did not hear 
Pierce's acknowledgement. Every few minutes he 
repeated his exasperating "G. N." Pierce was cov- 
red up with work and every interruption meant a 
set back to his plans that can only be fully realized 
by a member of the craft. 

For the seventeenth time was heard the same 
old appeal : "G. N." 

Pierce, in sheer desperation, responded : "Good 
night, good morrow, good Lord, good bye." 



35 



JUD HART, STATION AGENT. 



Showing the Result of a Rowdy Requisition. 

There once was a busy denizen of the foothills 
who answered to the name of Jud. He had a 
rubber stamp manufactured which might properly 
have been called "The tired man's companion." It 
bore this inscription: 

THE KALAMOSHKOSH RAILWAY CO. 

THE GOING GOING GONE R. R. CO. 

THE ADAM & EVE EXPRESS CO. 

THE UNITED SCRAPES DISTRESS CO. 

THE I. O. UNION TELEGRAPH CO. 
THE HARVEST HAND EMPLOYMENT 

AGENCY. 
THE SATURDAY MORNING ROAST. 
J. Hart, Agent, 
and occupied the annex. 

This contrivance saved Jud so much time, which 
would otherwise have been expended in searching 
for letter heads, that he found leisure to cogitate 
upon the causes to which might be attributed the 
fact that vice presidents, who would never be 
missed, receive fifty dollars a day, while station 
agents, who cannot go outside the city limits with- 
out being checked up by the traveling auditor, 
receive the stupendous sum of fifty dollars per — 
month. 

While engaged one day in mental gymnastics of 
this sort Jud chanced at the calendar and observed 
that it was "requisition" day. He secured a 
"blank" and began to write industriously. After 
duly recording a list of stationery sufficient to run 
the establishment for not less than thirty days 
(nor more than thirty years), Jud finally signed his 
name to the document noting, as he did so, that 

36 



there was but one vacant line. "Happy thought!" 
he exclaimed. "I'll just chalk down a box of cigars 
and see what them guys in Topeka'll do." Accord- 
ingly the next train carried Jud's "requisition" for 
stationary and — "one box of good cigars." (He 
inserted the adjective fearing he might be supplied 
from the company's dining car department.) 

In the course of time a case of supplies arrived 
and Jud sorted out and checked off each item as he 
carefully unpacked it. Away down in the corner 
he came upon — what luck — a box of cigars. De- 
light filled his soul. Evening after evening, there- 
after, he sat upon the station baggage truck, sur- 
rounded by congenial and jovial spirits, and elo- 
quently discoursed upon the manifestly munificent 
methods of modern managing modocs who manipu- 
late the multitudinous mysteries of the railways. 

There came a sad day when Jud reached the last 
fragrant cigar and as he lingered reminiscently over 
its delightful aroma, the pay car rounded the curve 
and stopped in front of the station. 

The paymaster (talk about autocrats) handed 
Jud his pay check, drawn for $45.50. Attached to 
the check was the following, done in the highest 
style of the printer's art: 

MR. JUDSON HART 

In Account With 
THE ALFALFA CIGAR CO. 

1 Box Screamos $4.50 

Paid June 25, 1905. 

THE ALFALFA CIGAR CO. 



37 



TOLD BY RAILROAD MEN. 



Queer Yarns Spun in the Office of the Train 
Dispatcher. 

"I'll bet four dollars," said the second trick dis- 
patcher, as he "sat in" at 4 o'clock, "you'll never 
see that combination again in a hundred years." 

"What combination are you talkin' about now," 
inquired the operator, laizly. 

"Why, look a-here !" persisted the guardian of 
the second trick. "Engine 111 arrived at Kansas 
City at 1 :11 p. m. — engine 222 poked her nose into 
the yard at 2:22 p. m., and I'm nutty if engine 333 
didn't pull over the main line switch at 3 :33 this 
afternoon. What d'ye think o' that?" 

"That's nothin'," exclaimed the manager, dis- 
dainfully. "When I was dispatchin' back yonder 
in the '80s on the Lawrence & Lowell road the 
engines used to wear names. Some bore the names 
of stars and mythological beings. Others were 
named for men. Anyone with the price of a head- 
light could have his name emblazoned upon the side 
of the cat). Several of the 'mills' were named after 
towns — or before, judging from the way they'd 
perform. One day I had a couple of trains on the 
road during my 'hours' the coincident features of 
which gives your combination a commonplace ap- 
pearance. One train was running from Lowell to 
Lawrence. The engine bore the name of the for- 
mer city, Lowell, and was handled by Engineer 
Frank Lowell. Frank Lawrence was the conduc- 
tor. At Lawrence Junction a train was met which 
was going from Lawrence to Lowell, hauled by 
engine Lawrence with Engineer Fred Lawrence at 
the throttle, while Conductor Fred Lowell was in 
charge of the train." 

38 



Every man in the office simply stared and sighed 
heavily, 

"What!" continued the manager in disgust. 
"Don't .believe it? Well, it's the truth as sure as 
my name is Larry!" 

"Say, Lowell!" said a man present, "what does 
Larry stand for, anyway?" 

"My name is Lawrence," replied the manager, 
"Lawrence Lowell." 

"Talkin' about engine names," interjected the 
conductor of the "Short Grass Flyer," who was 
waiting for orders, "'they used to name the engines 
on the P D. & Q. when I was a kid. There was 
the Paul Jones and the General Grant " 

"And if they was anything like the battle ship 
we had on the local freight last trip," interrupted 
the head brakeman, "they ought to be named the 
'General Debility.' " 

"Say, fellows," said the detective, who dropped 
in to inquire about the mail train, "did I ever tell 
you about the time I ran an engine on the 'Long 
and Short' railway?" and without waiting for a 
reply he proceeded with the narrative. "One day 
I went down to the depot to take out my run. 
My sweetheart, a picture of anxiety, was there to 
meet me. 

" 'Bill,' said she tremulously, 'don't go out to- 
day.' 

"'Tut, tut, girl, I couldn't do a trick like that. 
It's near leaving time now.' 

" P°"'^ ^°' -^^'^ ' P^^^se don't go,' she urged. 

" 'Why, honey,' said I, 'what do you s'pose the 
ole man would think if I took a fool notion like 
that at the last minute?' 

" 'O, Bill !' she pleaded, 'don't go. You must not 
go! I had a dreadful dream last night. I dreamed 
your train got in— on time!' 

"Well, gentlemen, I went out on the run all 
right, but I'll never forget it. On November 11, 

39 



the eleventh day of the eleventh month — at 11:11 
a. m. train No. 11 with engine 11, baggage car U, 
containing 11 trunks, mail car 22, chair car 33, 
dining car No. 44, went in the ditch at Mile Post 
55. The wreck was cleared at 11 p. m. There 
were eleven persons injured and the damage suits 
filed were for an aggregate of $11,000. All of this 
happened eleven years ago and I have told the 
story about eleven hundred times." 

"And every time," ventured the ofBce boy, "you 
added eleven new gags !" 

'T used to run a train," said the yardmaster, who 
happened along just in time to gather from the 
conversation that engine names were being con- 
sidered. "The day of the big money panic three 
or four dozen years ago I had the president of the 
road out on an inspection trip. All of a sudden 
he got some bad news and told his clerk to wire 
the superintendent to give us a clear track and a 
fast run to Chicago. Golly! (boys, but we burned 
up the track. After spinning along for about 
eighty miles so fast that the telegraph poles re- 
sembled a barricade we came to a sudden and ap- 
parently unnecessary stop. The company had a 
short time previously, put in service a locomotive 
which was, for those days, a mechanical marvel. 
She was named 'The Dragon.' Her rating was 
ninety-five cars. There wasn't a passing track on 
the road that would clear such a train. I hustled 
around and discovered that we had been flagged 
by the crew of 'The Dragon !' She was there with 
her rating. 

" 'Conductor,' demanded the president when I 
gave a proceed signal after several minutes' delay, 
'why are we being detained here?' 

" 'We,' I answered, 'will have to saw by 'The 
Dragon.' She is here with a drag-on.' " 



40 



STORIES OF RAIL AND WIRE. 



ODD AND FUNNY EXPERIENCES OF 
TRAIN DISPATCHERS. 



If He Saw a Wildcat— Vincent's Phonetic Spelling 

— A Rush Order for Eggs — The Preacher's 

Chum— A Conductor's Mistake. 

"I'm not a train dispatcher," said Frank Fox of 
the Union Pacific local freight office, "and I'm glad 
of it. My brother, however, who visits me oc- 
casionally, is dispatcher at Buffalo for the Lacka- 
wanna. He told me a yarn the last time he was 
out here that isn't so bad. It seems that extra 
trains upon his road were at one time regularly 
and officially designated as 'wildcats.' The only 
running orders given to such trains leaving East 
Buffalo, for example, read 'Wildcat to Elmira.' 
One day a new man was being examined for the 
position of flagman. The examiner asked many 
questions intended to bring out the applicant's 
fund of information and his qualifications for the 
position sought. Finally this question was asked: 

" 'What would you do if you were out flagging 
and you saw a wildcat approaching?' 

Thoughtfully scratching his head a moment, the 
candidate for railroad honors replied: 'Shoot if I 
had a gun, or take to the tall timber.' " 



Vincent and the Vehicles. 

"Freight conductors, upon starting out on their 
runs, leave with the telegraph operator a list of 
cars in their trains. This list shows the destina- 
tion of all cars and the contents of loaded equip- 
ment," said T. J. Carey, a Kansas City railroad 
man. "The list is called a 'consist,' or 'sist,' for 
short. 'Vick' Vincent was conductor on one of 
the preferred runs when I was dispatching on the 
Pacific. Vick's weak spot was spelling. One day 
his 'consist' contained one item which the operator 
insisted was '1 Veikles Pueblo.' When the train 
arrived and Vick came in to register, I bantered 
him about it, and pointing to the word, asked what 
it meant. 

"'What does it mean?' he queried. 'Sure it 
means what it says — 'One vehicles, Pueblo.' 

" 'That's a new way to spell vehicles, Vick,' said 

" 'Well,' he returned, 'if that don't spell vehicles 
what in thunder does it spell ?' " 



A Rush Order for Eggs. 

"The most amusing experience I recall," said 
L. C. Gibbs of the Santa Fe, Marceline, "was when 
I was with the Rock Island at Des Moines. They 
had me up a tree one day, for fair, with seven 
stock trains, three meat and fruit extras, two high- 
ball Denver merchandise runs, a Colorado low-rate 
excursion and three sections of the California flyer, 
all late. I was buried to my top story when all of 
a sudden Grinnell broke in and said: 

" 'There's one o' them steam derrick propositions 
out here in front o' the depot. Tain't very bad, 

42 



though, only seven cars of cattle gone into the 
■weeds." 

"Well, fellows, you know what that means. 
Busy? Not at all! Seven cars of stock in the 
ditch and the train sheet smeared with trains and — 
ink. There was nothing to do only work, and so 
much of that I could hardly tell where to begin. 

"I hadn't more'n got the wrecker ordered and 
begun to fix up the mess of trains, when in rushed 
the superintendent and says kind of excited like. 

" 'Get Grinnell for me, quick, please.' Of course 
I thought by that he knew all about it and I began 
to call. After ten minutes' steady calling the op- 
erator answered, and the old man says : 

" 'Tell him to send me three dozen fresh eggs.' " 



The Preacher's Chum. 

"I'm going to tell you one that you won't be- 
lieve but it's a fact all the same," said Joe Johnson, 
Union Pacific train dispatcher. "I was working 
second trick during the wretched days following 
the flood. I used to ride at midnight to the Kaw 
river and walk over the temporary pile bridge used 
by the trains of the Maple Leaf. There was a 
watchman stationed at the bridge and no one was 
allowed to pass over without a written permit from 
the Kansas City agent. I was one of the fortunate 
possessors of a pass. 

"One night while waiting on Union avenue for 
a car a pleasant little man whose attire in- 
dicated his pious calling approached me and asked 
if I could direct him how to find the Rev. J. M. 
Gourley, of Stewart avenue, Kansas City, Kansas. 

43 



I replied that his friend was a resident of the 
neighborhood in which I lived. 

"That preacher looked at me in genuine aston- 
ishment as he exclaimed 'What a providential 
thing it is that I should meet you.' 

"We took a car to the river and the young min- 
ister entertained me with an account of his travels 
of the previous few weeks. He repeatedly ex- 
pressed gratification that he chould have fallen 
in with me. 

"Arriving at the bridge after a dangerous walk 
in the dark over the tracks leading to it I presented 
my credential and bespoke for my companion the 
courtesy of being allowed to walk over the struc- 
ture. The watchman was obdurate and I had 
about determined to swim the river with my new 
made acquaintance when an old time switchman 
whom I knew made his appearance. I appealed 
to him to vouch for me. The guardian of the 
bridge persisted in his refusal. At length the 
switchman, himself an employe of the Maple 
Leaf road, impatiently exclaimed : 

"Look a-here, Pete, this preacher is a chum 
of mine. Why don't you let him pass and not be 
so damn bull-headed?' 

"The idea of that profane switchman being a 
chum of the meek looking preacher melted the 
watchman into laughter and he allowed us to 
pass." 



"Doggone Little Timber." 

Ora Miller, of Des Moines, chief dispatcher of 
the Rock Island, told the following story recently : 
"While making a trip over the Northern 
Pacific we stopped at a station in the at- 
tractive valley of the Yellowstone river. Several 
of the passengers sought the right of way for a 
breath of fresh air and a limbering jaunt alongside 
the train. The mountains could be seen in the dis- 
tance, a rugged setting to the almost treeless land- 
scape. Presently a member of the party address- 
ing a passing citizen in the garb of a cowboy, said: 
'What is the name of this town, my friend?' 
" 'Well, pard, I 'low it's Big Timber, Montana.' 
"'Big Timber?' repeated the inquiring gentle- 
man with some surprise. 'I'd' a' thought they'd a' 
called it Little Timber — and doggone little of it!" 



Switching Bones and Horns. 

George E. Hill, of the Fowler Packing com- 
pany, was formerly in the railroad business 

"One of the oddest experiences I recall," said 
he, "was a 'cross' made by one of our freight con- 
ductors. Leaving Kansas City one day he had in 
his train a car of horns for Amsterdam loaded in 
car N. C. L. 2662 and a car of bones for Havana 
in car N. C. L. 2626. In checking the waybills 
against the switchlist he came across, simul- 
taneously, the walbill for the former car and the 
listed number of the latter. Taking for granted 
that a clerical error had been made, he changed the 
waybill to agree with the car. Further along in 

45 



thfc matching up process a corresponding change 
was made with the other waybill. The result of 
the conductor's industry became known three 
weeks later and considerable embarrassment was 
caused when it was discovered that the horns for 
Holland had found their way to Cuba and at last 
accounts there was offered for sale at a sacrifice 
in the quaint old Dutch capital one car of bones." 



W. GARY, ESQ., 
A Tale of the Rail. 



"Wantter hire any ladder climbers today?" said 
Bill Gary, addressing the trainmaster of the G. U. 
& D. (get up and dust) railroad. The trainmaster, 
Walter Belnap, himself a graduate of the caboose 
cupola, did as all Yankees are said to do, answered 
the question by asking another. 

"Where have you been working?" said he. 

"Been switchin' in the Cannibal yard," was the 
prompt response. 

"Why did you leave there?" Mr. Belnap asked. 

Got firedi for gittin' gay to a Zulu that went over 
the road last month. It come a'bout this way. I'd 
been brakin' on the High line till business went to 
the bad. Jim Wilcox, an old side partner o'mine, 
got to be the G. Y. M. of the Cannibal. He says 
to me : 'Bill,' says he, 'how'd yer like a job as 
foreman on the undertaker?' Says I, 'What's the 
undertaker, Jim?' 'The undertaker,' says he, 'is 
the engine that works the outside yard out by the 
cemetery." 'Well, to cut it short, I took the job 
and was doin' well till one day here comes a 
Zulu—" 

46 



"What's a Zulu?" interrupted Mr. Belnap. 

"Say, but you're a greenhorn proper," said Bill, 
"A Zulu is an emigrant outfit with a lot of truck 
handed "down from the Mayflower, and some horses 
and cows, ditto, and maybe a dog and maybe a 
dozen besides the rest of the family. Well, sir, 
this chap with passenger train desires and a way 




'Aint I goin' to git out o' here 
this seas'n?" 



fright wampum belt begins to cuss me and says 
he: 'Ain't I goin' to get out of here this season?' 
'Yes,' says I, 'right now I'm seizin' an opportunity 
to get yer goin'. You'll land down there about 
three miles near a plantin' plant where you can 
spend about seven hours in undisturbed commun- 

47 



ion with fellers that can't bother you nohow,' and 
down he went on the undertaker transfer. 

"In about three weeks the G. Y. M. got a bunch 
o' letters startin' with one that Mr. Zulu wrote to 
the general manager, giving an account of his tem- 
pestuous voyage. He give evrybody a prod, from 
the station agent where he started, who furnished 
car No. 51,421 (it adds up 13), down to the train 
'dispatcher at Growington, who told him how sorry 
he was that the delay had occurred. 'That,' he 
wrote, 'won't buy any canned tomatoes.' 

"His talk about me was noisy. He said: 'In 
the Cannibal yard I was held from 9 :30 p. m. until 
nearly 5 a. m. I wanted the man on the switching 
engine to put me on the Warm Boy fast freight, 
but was insulted to beat the devil. Says he : Not 
on your life, my pretty boy. What we'll do to you 
will last you some! We'll take you out in the 
country about three miles, stand you agin the fence 
next the graveyard where you can visit with the 
spooks the rest of the night and — sure enough they 
did.' 

"Them," said Bill, as he finished relating the 
story, "is the facts and I plead guilty. Some o' 
them Zulus is too pertic'lar 'bout the cars they 
ride in. On the Spensylvania all the Pullmans is 
painted red. Out in this country all the box cars 
is red, so what's the odds?" 

As Bill gave every indication of knowing how to 
railroad the trainmaster sent him down to see the 
yardmaster, who needed a switchman. He was 
given a job on the "Staker," where the work was 
speedy. His duty was to climb on the cuts of cars 
that were sent sailing down through the yards, 
and at the proper time, set the brakes. Everything 
went merrily for a couple of hours with Bill chas- 
ing all kinds of box cars — except small ones — 
when finally a furniture car about two blocks long, 
with skyscraper tendencies started his way. He 

48 



caught it and rode it to safety, then climbed down 
and seated himself dejectedly on the end of a cross 
tie. The foreman walked up to him and said: 
"What's up, Bill! Comin' too swift?" 

"Naw," said Bill ; "but say ! Can't ye let loose 
of a flat car once in a while?" 

In a few weeks Gary was sent out on the road 




"What's up; Bill? Comin' too swift?" 

as a brakeman, much to his satisfaction. It was 
not long thereafter that he was promoted to con- 
ductor of the way freight, a job he handled with 
marked success while he could obtain a crew of 
old-timers. Gradually, however, the experienced 
men quit or died until one day he started out with 

49 



a green crew; one of its members, Mark Logan, 
being so awkward that Bill had fears for his safety. 
He sent a message to the trainmaster, which read: 

"Please have a brakeman for me next trip in 
place of Logan. I have him in the caboose with 
both doors locked, and if he don't climb out of the 
window I will get him home alive. If you can't 
get a brakeman get a conductor." 

He got a conductor. 

Bill turned in his tools. 



THE AMBITION OF JAKE WELLS. 



He Wanted to Go Nine Miles in Seven Minutes. 



Jake Wells, fireman, called upon the roundhouse 
foreman one morning before going out on his run, 
and said, "Say, George ! I wish you'd speak a 
good word for me to 'the ole man.' I'd like to 
git to runnin' one of them there new compounds 
durin' the wheat rush. If I cain't 'cut the buck' 
they's no use for none o' them other one-gallus 
galoots to try !" 

Jake, three years before, had taken a job on the 
cinder pit. One day the fireman on the "8-spot" — 
a switch engine otherwise designated as Fido — was 
sudenly taken ill and opportunity — the fickle jade 
— rapped at the gate of the guardian of the cinder 
pit. The engineer, a friend of the family, sent word 
to give Jake Wells a trial ; and it is recalled that 

50 



the "firing" was skillfully done that the "8-spot" 
pulled a string of seventy-four cars and a dead en- 
gine ou't of the "hole." The "hole" is a track 
which leads down about three flights of stairs to 
the vinegar works on the Mokaw river front. It is 
even asserted that Dick Jenkins, the engineer, 
offered to bet a Spitts'burg stogie against a double 
eagle that he could make her climb a telegraph 
pole. At any rate the cinder pit became a thing of 
the past as far as Jake was concerned. 

From the "8-spot" Jake soon graduated to the 
41144, a marvelous monster of mammoth propor- 
tions. Jake was so obviously a master hand as a 
steam producer that six additional twenty-seven- 
section and drawing room (so called in honor of 
the great and entrancing American game of poker) 
Pushman cars were added to the equipment of the 
"F. F. F." (Flat Footed Flyer). The World's 
Fair, "Antartic" type locomotive and Jake Wells, 
fireman, were assigned to the run. All the other 
roads pulled ofT their trains. 

Frank Paul, the master mechanic, who had shed 
all of his hair in the pursuit and attainment of the 
endearing and enduring title of "The Ole Man," 
had repeatedly urged upon enginemen the necessity 
for practicing economy in the use of valve oil. 
Tallow, as valve oil is commonly called, is not so 
much of a luxury when used in the production of 
doughnuts, but it is not necessary to purchase it 
in carload quantities for that purpose. The in- 
structions had been reiterated so frequently that 
every man employed in the mechanical department 
expected his wife to skim the water in which over- 
alls were washed and boiled on wash day. 

The master mechanic was favorably impressed 
with George's recommendation and sent for Jake, 
who was given a thorough course of examination 
upon matters concerning the handling of a loco- 

51 



motive. The session progressed in a manner which 
was satisfying to Jake and his friends. 

"Now, Jake," said the master mechanic finally, 
"suppose you were trotting along on a passenger 
train at a sixty-mile-an-hour clip, and should sud- 
denly be confronted with a headlight coming to- 
ward you at a similar pace, what would you do?" 

"What'd I do!" said Jake, thoughtfully, scratch- 
ing his golden locks. "I'd throw her over, pull her 
wide open, grab the tallow pot and jump!" 

The wheat began to move and the demand for 
engines became so great that Jake reached a regu- 
lar run. His performances were so uniformly ex- 
cellent that he was assigned to the "Red ball high 
ball," a fast merchandise run which gave expe- 
ditious movement to large quantities of beef and 
booze. One day the train was late and was giving 
a hot foot exhibition, Jake passed Tongaloosa at 
2:33 p. m., and was promptly signalled by the con- 
ductor to stop. This signal was quickly followed 
by one to back in on the siding. When the train 
was clear of the main track Jake sought the con- 
ductor and an explanation. 

"Why, man," said the conductor, "No. 7 is due 
at Little Stranger at 2:40, and it is nine miles." 

"Well," replied Jake, "I had seven big minutes." 



52 



STORIES OF TELEGRAPHERS. 



Funny Anecdotes Told by Men in the Business. 



The Order for 2,060 Cars— The Operator's Wife— 

The Clever Girl Telegrapher— The Lion 

Under the Freight House — The 

Boy's Mistake. 



E. A. Chenery, superintendent of the telegraph 
department of the Missouri Pacific railway, told 
the following story : 

"As all telegraphers know, it is quite puzzling at 
times to distinguish between the letters t and 1 and 
the cipher o. Each is represented in the Morse 
alphabet by one dash. There is supposed to be a 
difference in the length of the dash, but that is 
purely a matter of taste. Expert operators get 
along without trouble, but for beginners these 
characters are a constant source of embarrassment. 
Likewise the letter p and the figure 6 — five and six 
dots respectively — cause a great deal of annoyance 
to beginners. Nearly all student operators these 
days fall into the error of making more than the 
regulation five dots for p, thus confusing it with 
the figure 6. 

Imagine therefore, the astonishment of Mr. 
Knight, assistant traffic manager, when he re- 
ceived, the other day, from a shipper who is a 
liberal patron of live poultry transportation cars, a 
telegram reading: 

" 'Send me 2,060 cars at once.' 

53 



"Mr. Knight fairly swooned as he exclaimed: 
'If I can command that sort of business my future 
is established.' 

"Investigation, however, revealed that the mes- 
sage as written by the chicken dealer read: 'Send 
me 2 L. P. T. cars at once.' 



The "Almost" Operators. 

"One of our chief dispatchers," continued Mr. 
Chenery, "recently told me an amusing anecdote. 
For convenience in communicating with the office 
he has the train wire cut into his house. There is 
a set of instruments in the living room and another 
in the bedroom. On one occasion he and his wife 
were entertaining the wife of a station agent, the 
agent remaining at home, a few miles distant. The 
chief's wife was put to some inconvenience to find 
suitable accommodations for the young matron, 
but as there was a comfortable sofa bed in the liv- 
ing room she was assigned to that room for the 
night, without knowing that the wire was also 
'cut in' in the room upstairs. Early the next morn- 
ing she was heard to call her husband for a chat 
on the wire. He had taught her almost all of the 
Morse alphabet. The chief and his wife, both of 
whom are operators, were much amused over the 
little 'visit by wire.' Later, at the breakfast table, 
the young wife was relating to the chief and his 
wife the substance of the conversation. 

" 'My husband,' said she, 'shipped six cars of 
mules on the plug.' 

"This was surprising information, the plug be- 
ing a passenger train. The chief and his wife 
laughed heartily, their visitor joining in the merri- 
ment, but wholly innocent of its real cause, for the 
chief had heard the station agent say he had for- 
warded 'six cans of milk.' " 

54 



This Girl Operator Was Clever. 

"Pretty good !" said Superintendent J. F. Simms, 
of Osaw^tomie, Kas. And that reminds me of 
when I was chief dispatcher at Atchison. There 
was a curly headed young fellow dispatcher 
there who was mighty sweet on a sprightly 
slip of a girl who was operator in the master me- 
chanic's office. They used to chin each other on 
the wire when there was time and it ended finally 
in a clear case of spoon. The girl was a clever lit- 
tle operator and her admirer could send some lively 
Morse over the wire. 

One day he was transmitting a bunch of mes- 
sages to little Miss Sprightly and, after several 
of them had passed without a break, the dispatcher 
said to himself, "I'll bet a nick I'll make her break 
on the next message, and he started in swift. In 
the middle of the telegram he spelled three words 
backwards and kept going. When he finished, the 
response was given — a brief 'O. K.' 

" 'But, my dear girl, said the dispatcher, T spell- 
ed three words backwards in that last message.' 

" 'Oh, that's all right. Jack," she answered, 'I 
have to guess at about half of your stufT anyway.' " 



Skinner's Boy Operator. 



"Telegraphers are a jolly tribe," said J. J. Skin- 
ner, Missouri Pacific trainmaster. "I was once 
asked by an official of the telegraph department of 
the Wabash to try a young fellow, an applicant for 
a job, in order to test his proficiency. As he sat 
down to the instrument table he turned to me with 
the request : 

"Say, Cap, gimme a chew." 

"I passed out a fresh ten-cent cut ; the cub stow- 
ed away a bite in his cheek and handed back about 

55 



3 cents' worth. 'O. K. for you, son,' said I. He 
proved to be the correct thing and I placed him at 
a St. Louis quad. After copying several messages 
with marked capability he was left to shift for him- 
self. Presently I heard him blurt out a line of 
talk more vigorous than elegant, and he followed 
it up with an explanitory statement. Said he : 

" 'What d'ye think o' that ! Here's a line o' tele- 
graphic literature from some guy in St. Lou that 
fills seven sheets o'clip an' he winds 'er up with 
'particulars by mail.' " 

"That," said Superintendent Richards of the Pos- 
tal,, "is something like the telegram I saw a while 
ago. The check read : '742 D. H.,' and the last 
line was "Will write fullv.' " 



The Young Operator's Mistake. 

C. B. Riggs of the John Deere Plow company 
was formerly a train dispatcher. He tells the fol- 
lowing story : 

"Once there was a youngster acting as night 
operator at a station close to Topeka who was not 
a very swift telegrapher. 'Cub' operators, or 
'plugs,' as they are called, often find it difficult to 
'receive' messages correctly. Frequently wrong 
words are set down and from combinations not 
easily understood. There had been an un- 
usually heavy rain and the underpinning of the 
freight house at Leavenworth began to sink. The 
building inspector filed a telegram addressed to the 
general foreman, who was on a train bound for To- 
peka. The message was transmitted to the cub 
of whom I have spoken. As written it read : 

" 'Foundation under freight house needs atten- 
tion at once.' 

"As delivered to the general foreman the dis- 

56 



patch contained a rather startling bit of informa- 
tion. It said : 

" 'Found a lion under the freight house. Needs 
attention ' at once,' to which he replied briefly : 
'Feed the lion and notify the live stock agent.' " 



WHY IT WAS LATE. 



What an Irishman's Fidelity to Orders Did for the 
Alton's "Hummer." 



The Alton "Hummer was thirty-five minutes 
late into Kansas City recently, which is so unusual 
as to excite comment. 

T. J. Burns, the Alton's western representative, 
was passing through the depot shortly after the ar- 
rival of the train. 

"Hello Burns!" said Superintendent Sanford. "I 
notice the "Hummer" is tardy. How did that hap- 
pen?" 

"Well, replied Mr. Burns, "Conductor Jake Fell 
was taken sick at Mexico and the conductor of No. 
87 — a freight train that was waiting at Mexico 
for the "Hummer" to pass — was instructed to take 
Fell's place. The freight conductor, Hank Hanni- 
gan, has just been promoted and is anxious to do 
everything correctly and obey instructions implicit- 
ly. Before starting from Roodhouse on No. 87 
he had received a message directing him to get 
seven cars of coal at Higbee and take to Slater." 

57 



"When the "Hummer" stopped in the depot," 
continued Mr. Burns, "I asked Hannigan what had 
delayed the train. Without answering my question 
he handed me a crumpled piece of paper. I un- 
folded it and read : 

" 'Conductor Hannigan, Roodhouse : Move 7 
cars coal, Higbee to Slater, without fail.' 

" 'Did you haul the coal ?' I inquired. 

" 'Faith an' I did," replied Hank. 

"And that," concluded Mr. Burns, "is why the 
"Hummer" is thirty-five minutes late." 



REFUSED TO BE DISCHARGED. 



A Railway Brakeman Who Kept Himself at Work. 



In Kansas the railroads have a good deal of dif- 
ficulty in providing competent men to fill vacancies 
in the train crews and other positions which do not 
offer attractions that are especially inviting. 

At each division terminal there is usually main- 
tained a "crew board" upon which is written in 
chalk twice a day a list of conductors and brake- 
men available for the following twelve hours. This 
list is posted by the "caller" or some other em- 
ploye familiar with the situation, and from it men 
are chosen to fill the various runs. 

One day an accident happened which caused 
some dismay at headuarters for, aside from break- 
ing up some cars and tearing up some track, it 

58 



shattered the plans of the superintendent, who was 
about to start upon a vacation trip. 

Investigation developed that a brakeman had 
forgotten to close a switch properly and the follow- 
ing train ran into it, with the result noted above. _ 

The brakeman was dismissed forthwith. Six 
weeks later the superintendent boarded a freight 
train at a way station on the division, and, mount- 
ing the "dog-house" steps in the caboose, was 
much surprised to find the same brakeman on 
guard. 

"What are you doing here?" inquired the sur- 
prised official. 

"Workin'," replied the culprit, with a dismal 
grin. 

"Upon whose authority?" persisted the superin- 
tendent. 

"Aw! I ain't lost no time a-tall," answered the 
brakeman. 

Further questioning brought out the fact that 
the industrious one had been marking up his own 
name upon the crew board and in that way was 
being called regularly to go out on the run. 

Asked why he had taken such a course to keep 
at work he replied : 

"Well, boss, my credit for grub is good as long 
as I keep busy, but when me 'check' stops me 
chuck tops!" 

He is working yet. 



59 



A "HOLD-UP" THAT FAILED. 



The Train Dispatcher Got $1 Instead of Expected 
Hundreds. 



"Every once in a while," said J. E. Smith, 
Chicago & Alton chief train dispatcher, "some man 
with plenty of money and plenty of leisure gets in 
an awful hurry to go somewhere. Then he charters 
a special train. On such occasions the train dis- 
patcher becomes actively engaged in scattering 
over the line a mess of train orders to give the 
special the main chance. Nearly every time that 
such an arrangement bobs up it adds a knot of 
grey hairs — if he happens to have any ringlets left 
upon his scalp — to the head of the dispatcher. 

"To be sure, the train dispatcher isn't the only 
person that is set on edge to see that things go 
right," continued Mr. Smith, "but he carries his 
share of the worry, all right enough." 

"You dispatchers ought to join a "don't worry 
club,' " interjected the janitor, who was making 
suds preparatory to the semi-annual scrub. 

"Every time one of those cheerful spenders 
makes a hotfoot trip," Mr. Smith went on, /he 
sizes up the sitution about an hour before he 
reaches the end of the run and sends his fiscal 
agent up ahead to locate the conductor. With a 
nice little complimentary speech, that gentleman is 
presented with a double eagle and a photograph of 
the head of the firm. The instructions are to whack 
up with the enginemen, of which there are several, 
and give the brakemen and flagman a dividend. 
After deducting a fair proportion for himself the 
conductor finds that he is able to distribute as 

6U 



much as twenty-two cents each to the other em- 
ployes, the dispatchers not being counted in on the 
deal." 

"But,"'mused Smith reminiscently, after a pause, 
"Dick Davenport, an old-time friend of mine, once 
sprung a surprise on that kind of a combination 
and put some trimmings on the special that the 
contract failed to specify. A big gun from the 
grand central station was traveling special Ogden 
to Omaha. Just before the train left Laramie. 
Dick told the conductor to stop at Tie Siding for 
instructions. At Tie Siding, which is up on the 
mountains west of Cheyenne, the conductor was 
asked what revenue the train was to produce for 
the train dispatcher. The conductor began to see 
the light and he told Dick that a sawbuck to divide 
among the crew had been donated. 

" 'Well,' said Dick, 'you tell that there purse- 
proud patriarch to leave with the operator at Tie 
Siding for the sole and exclusive use of Dick Dav- 
enport, train dispatcher of the overland route, a 
check, draft, money order or crisp banknote equal 
in amount to what would be represented by the 
number on the side of his car with a dollar sign be- 
fore it. The operator will then permit the train to 
proceed.' " 

"Did the mogul unbuckle?" inquired the con- 
ductor of the plug, who was an interested listener, 

"'Some," said Smith. "You know that in those 
days the private cars of the real high-steppers were 
usually numbered one hundred or two hundred. 
Dick knew that, but he didn't know that this chap 
from Manhattan was using a Union Pacific car." 

"What's that got to do with it?" asked the sten- 
ographer. 

"Nothing much," replied Smith, "only the U. P. 
numbers its private cars with the naughts ahead 
and this one was 001." 



61 



A DISPATCHER'S REPARTEE. 



The Retort He Sent to the Operator in Butte. 



Frank Burns, of the Alton train dispatcher's 
office, tells the following story : 

"When I was on the Northern Pacific a special 
train of O. R. & N. cars showed up at Butte one 
day for movement to the Yellowstone National 
Park. The cars were occupied by a couple of rail- 
road magnates. The cars were numbered with a 
cipher prefix. One of them was 02 and the other 
09. 

"The dispatcher at Livingston asked the oper- 
ator at Butte to report what he had to go 
through to the park. He replied, giving the occu- 
pants of the cars, as well as the numbers, in this 
way : 

" '02, O'Toole ; 09, O'Brien.' 

The dispatcher at Livingston, somewhat amazed, 
responded *0, well, O, hell !' " 



62 



A TELEGRAPHIC MISTAKE. 



The Trouble Caused By an Error of Just One 
Letter. 

"I received a telegram the other evening that 
kept me busy for an hour before going out on my 
train," said John G. Alexander, conductor of the 
Alton's B. & E. express. "The message was sign- 
ed by a gentloman who lives in Kansas City, but 
who spends a great deal of his time on the road. 
It was from Shackelford, Mo., and read: 

" 'Please get my overcoat and suit case from 
Johnston's safe and leave at Higginsville.' 

"It did not at once occur to me that a safe is 
an unusual place in which to store garments and 
baggage, and so I made five or six trips over the 
2.74 miles of Union depot property trying to find 
our porter, whose name is Johnston. When I 
found him I asked him if he maintained upon the 
premises a safe for the storage of the trumpery of 
absent minded travelers. Thinking I was joshing 
him he, after finding out what I was looking for, 
tried to make me believe that the articles had been 
stolen. 

"When at length I reported for my run, I tossed 
the message over to dispatcher E. A. Howard with 
the request that he tell the man at Higginsville 
that I had not yet seen the joke. As I was about 
to take leave the second trick man on the east end, 
T. J. Carey, cut in to remark : 

""'I wouldn't say that a plug operator sent that 
message, but I'll guarantee some ham received it; 
you'll find that toggery at Johnston's cafe.' 

"And sure enough," concluded Alexander, with 
a smile, "I did. The operator who had taken the 
message had mistaken the c for an s." 

63 



THE TRACK WAS TOO NARROW. 



But the New Conductor Was Going Over It 
Anyway. 

"An amusing- error was made one day while I 
was with the Colorado & Southern," said C. E. 
Carson, superintendent of the Missouri Pacific. 

"Business was brisk and we had a good many 
extra conductors at work. Arrangements were 
made to run an engine and crew out of Denver one 
m.orning to go to Greeley for a train of potatoes. 
The conductor, a comparatively new man, misun- 
derstood his instructions and called for running 
orders to Georgetown instead of Greeley. The 
dispatcher, himself unfamiliar with the different 
classes of power, issued the orders as requested. 

The conductor then went to the engine. The en- 
gineer, an old head, glanced over the documents 
and said : 

" 'That's a narrow gauge track up there Bill.' 

" 'All right, ole man,' responded the conductor, 
cheerily, 'let's go.' 

"'Go? The devil,' exclaimed the engineer, 'this 
is a broad gauge engine.' " 



64 



A SARCASTIC CATTLEMAN. 



He Wired for Stock Cars, But Would Take Pull- 
man. 

"I ran across a satiracal customer the other day," 
said Lon Mahan, general live stock agent of the 
Alton. "A short time ago I received from him a 
telegram in which he requested me to send him 
twenty cars to load with cattle for this market. As 
there are several kinds of stock cars, and of vary- 
ing lengths, I wired briefly asking him what kind." 

Mr. Mahan produced an envelope, in which was 
a telegram. As he passed it over he said : 

"Here's his answer and it's a hot one." It read: 
"Stock cars preferred, but might use Pullman 
sleepers." 



JONES AND THE TELEPHONE. 



The Troubles of a Visitor Whose Name is Fa- 
miliar. 

Jones is a law-abiding citizen of a nerby town. 
He wrote to a friend that he expected to visit 
Kansas City. 

The friend, an admirer of Jones, acknowledged 
with pleasure the letter and requested that advance 
notice of his expected arrival be given so that suit- 
able preparations for entertaining him could be 
made. 

65 



Jones, however, wished to surprise his city ac- 
quaintance, and did not announce beforehand, the 
date upon which he expected to reach here. Soon 
aft'er his arrival he sought a telephone with this 
rather discouraging result : 

"Give me twenty-two-twenty-two Grand," he 
whispered into the transmitter after consulting the 
telephone directory. 

"Grand, toot, toot, double toot," was what 
he thought he heard. 

"No, no," he exclaimed; "I'm not on a grand 
toot — single or double." 

Soon a brusque voice thundered into the re- 
ceiver: "Well!" 

"Is this Mr. Citiman's office?" meekly inquired 
the bewildered Jones. 

"Huh huh !" was the brief response. 

"This is Mr. Jones, of Glendale." 

"Mr. What?" interrupted the voice. 

"Jones!" replied the visitor. "Tell Citiman I'll 

"Hello! Hello, Bones " 

"Bones be blowed ! This is Jones ■" 

be — 

"Did you say Bones?" 

"Jones — Jones of Glen " 

"All right, Mr. Bones, to whom do you wish to 
speak ?" 

'Mr. Citiman. I'm a friend of " 

"He is very busy just now. Wait a moment." 

"Pardon me. Miss," said Jones several minutes 
later, "but will you please give me the Grand 
toot toot again, and tell the young man at the 
other end of tl e crossing whistle to tell Mr. Citi- 
man that Mr. Jones of Glendale, wishes to talk to 
him, at least long enough to express an opinion of 
him?" 

"Spell it!" 

"Spell it yourself. You just drag out a city direc- 

66 



tory and look at the Js. The one there's the most 
of is it." 

"All rig-ht," said the voice; "call up again in 
about three days. It will take me that long to 
look up all the Jays that have their names in the 
directory." 

"And Jones has retired to Glendale with an im- 
proved opinion of that village. It has no tele- 
phones. 



'THE RAILROAD SHIRKER. 



And Some Other Good Stories by the Train Dis- 
patcher, 

"As every railroad man knows," said H. L. 
Brownson, chief dispatcher of the Union Pacific," 
it is quite a problem to keep the line from becom- 
ing littered with 'bad order' cars. Every time a hot 
box is set out, or a drawhead yanked out, I don't 
let the locals have any peace until they are towed 
to the end of the division. I bumped into a smooth 
shirk the other day. There was one of those big 
Pennsylvania steel frame box cars containing fifty 
tons of wheat standing out here at Lawrence. The 
load had been cut out with a hot hub. There was 
only one brass on the division big enough for the 
car. Smooth Shirk had that I instructed him to 
brass and move the car. He replied : 

" 'Cannot brass P. R. R. 41144 as the jack I have 
is too small.' 

"Says I to myself: 'I'll fix that young man in a 
minute.' 

67 



Presently I tossed over to my operator a sample 
of my penmanship, addressed to the shirk, which 
read: 

" 'There is a car of scrapiron at Muncie with a 
broken drawhead ; chain it up and take forward.' 

"The train didn't even slow up at Muncie, and 
what do you think the rascal handed back at me? 
His answer read: 'Can't chain up the scrap; my 
chain is too big.' " 



Colonel Jewett Tells a Story. 

"Away back before the boom, railway officials 
were not, as a rule, chosen for their education so 
much as for their practical knowledge and experi- 
ence," said E. S. Jewett, of the Missouri Pacific. 
"Jim Dalbey, superintendent of terminals, was one 
of God's noblemen and an unpolished diamond of 
the early days; gruft' as a cow puncher; tender- 
hearted as — as a cow puncher. During one of the 
Indian outbreaks there was a heavy movement of 
troops through Kansas City. Some of them were 
sent here from up river by boat thence by rail to 
the scene of the disturbance. One day there was 
scheduled a movement of uncommon importance 
and Jim issued to his subordinates detailed instruc- 
tions covering the transfer of impedimenta, placing 
of passenger cars, and so forth. 

"A close friend of Mr. Dalbey had died and the 
funeral was set for the morning of the day upon 
which the troop movement was to take place. Jim 
desired to participate in the last sad rites and left 
his office for that purpose, feeling assured of the 
prompt and correct execution of his orders. He 

68 



was, therefore, much amazed upon his return three 
hours later, to find that Httle or nothing had been 
accomplished. He was not long, however, in set- 
ting an example of energy and enthusiasm which 
quickly spread to the troops and in a short time the 
baggage was loaded, the cars assembled into trains 
and everything ready to proceed westward." 

"A young lieutenant," Colonel Jewett went on, 
"who had observed the sudden display of activity, 
approached the superintendent and with all the dig- 
nity and self-assurance he could muster addressed 
him thus : 

" 'Sir-r-r, as officer of the day, I propose to ex- 
ercise my prerogative — !" 

" 'G'wan,' interrupted Jim, 'er I'll take yer pre- 
rogative and run it clean through ye!' 

"Colonel Smiles of the regiment, with difficulty 
suppressd his merriment and settled the misunder- 
standing by explaining what Jim's duties were. 

"Three weeks later Jim received from the old 
man — as General Superintendent A. W. Dickinson 
was affectionately known — a request for an expla- 
nation. The file carried a voluminous array of 
correspondence originating with the young lieuten- 
ant, who quoted correctly the treasonable utter- 
ances and sought solace for his wounded pride. 

"To his stenographer Mr. Dalbey dictated this 
reply : 

" 'Dear Sir : — I can only plead in extenuation of 
the incivility of which Lieutenant Whatshisname 
complains that my early education was sadly neg- 
lected. I thought a prerogative was, perhaps, an 
implement of warfare, and me unarmed.' " 



69 



Sheridan and the Scalped I^ass. 

"You remember Harry Sheridan, who used to be 
division superintendent here," said Chief Dispatcher 
James W. Smith of the Wyandotte & Northwest- 
ern. "One day one of our passenger conductors, 
a half hour before leaving time, reported sick. 
I called upon Mr. Sheridan for advice. He 
is an all around performer, having been evry- 
thing from telegrapher to train dispatcher, and 
from switchman to superintendent. He lost no 
time in reaching the train and himself acted as 
conductor to Beatrice and back. 

"A few days before I had laid ofif an operator in 
the office here whose name shall be Jones. He 
asked for and was granted a round trip pass over 
the road, as he expressed a desire to go to Lincoln 
in search of employment. While taking up the 
tickets on the I'turn trip from Beatrice, Mr. Sheri- 
dan came upon the pass which read in favor of my 
erstwhile operator, but which was presented by a 
man a stranger to him. 

"'What's your name?' asked the substitute con- 
ductor. 

" 'Jones.' 

" 'Where'd you get this pass?' 

"'Why?' 

"'Where'd you get it?' 

" 'Down to the dispatcher's office.' 

" 'No, you didn't — where'd you get it? Who are 
you anyhow?' 

" 'Why I'm Jones, the operator in Sheridan's 
office.' 

" 'See here, bub,' said Sheridan, who is a good 
man to let alone, 'I ain't goin' to put you off, but if 
you don't hand me five bucks and two bits in three 
seconds and a quarter, I'll just break you in two. 
I need the exercise — and the money.' 

70 



"The lad came down with the dough, and Sheri- 
dan was happy," concluded Smith. 

"Why," he was asked, "do railway men take such 
pleasure in increasing the earnings of the company 
they represent?" 

"Increase the company earnings," repeated Smith 
with a merry twinkle, "Guess again !" 



Wallace and the Wheat. 

"Along about now," said C. G. Wallace, the car 
distributor at Alton headquarters, "a man in my 
business don't have no trouble or nothin'. Take 
an' look at this form. It shows the numbers and 
initials of all cars on hand at the station named. 
Then there at the top is a lot of code letters. *A' 
indicates 'box car good for grain.' Other letters 
refer to some other classification. Half the time 
the fellow that makes this report is a kid or a 
messenger boy and don't know what he's a-puttin' 
down. Well, we was shy of cars the other day 
and I spotted an empty down to Louisiana marked 
'A' or it looked like 'A' to me. So I took and tel- 
egraphed the agent to 'bill it to Kansas City and 
rush.' We put her on the red ball fast freight and 
here she lands in Kansas City bright and early the 
next mornin'. 

After receiving a load over the telephone from 
some one with a real or fancied grievance, Mr. 
Wallace continued: 

"The yardmaster took and called me up and 
says: 

" 'What's that New York Central 23923 in here 
for?' 

"I looks her up and told him to take and load 
that car to Chicago with wheat, because the car 
belonged home to the Lake Shore there. 

" 'All right,' says the yardmaster, 'but I guess 
they'll kick on loadin' wheat on a flat car.' " 

71 



DEC ISlSO'j 



